VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
