Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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