Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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