the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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