textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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