I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
