no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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