either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
