dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
