He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
