i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
