I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
