I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I CAN MOONWALK!
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
