White coat. Heels.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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