Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize