It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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