Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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