I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
and you fell through a lawn chair
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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