I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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