You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
40s are totally the cure
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
