Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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