THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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