I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
