can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
