I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
