You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
