Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
