My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
