Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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