my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
