You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The beers last night were like the tears from god
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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