am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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