DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
