Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
