The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
