So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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