Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Two words: blizzard sex
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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