She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
