he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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