I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
