I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
