I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
