Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
