U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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