I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
