I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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