She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I didn't notice because vodka
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
