Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
