I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
