I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
