My room smells like vodka and shame
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
These tits shall not be calmed
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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