even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
organizing the empties. That sober.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Dear god my vagina.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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