I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
