I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
