Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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