you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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