Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
