My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
