I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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