come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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