just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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